Monday, April 19, 2010

A journey

I'm on a journey. It's one thats been a long time coming. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (Sun Tzu) and I have to say I'm feeling a little wobbly.

Someone mentioned to me last week that as a breastfeeding mother I am giving out alot of energy. Giving alot of myself. My nutrients, vitamins & minerals. Giving of my hydration, my time, my sleep. Giving all day - not the least of which includes the giving of my love. This person was stressing the need for me to take in extra nutrients to support my body during this stage of my life.

But it struck a chord in me on a much deeper level... I need to start taking in more so that I can meet the demands I place on myself to give to others.

So I've taken a mental look around myself. At my life. My family. My friends. Where am I being asked to give? How much does it ask of me? Are any of these things replenishing me?

And most areas measure up well. My family fills me with at least as much love, laughter and happiness as is required of me. More so in fact. My friends are havens for me to turn to when I need, they're the people I choose to share myself and my journey with.

And after looking around me, I glanced down.

There is a gaping hole before me. A hole dug over many years. Years of taking, ignoring, demanding, reprimanding. Years of giving to others without taking anything back to replenish me. All I see is years of digging. Taking. The hole is deep and completely dug out...there's not too much left to take. It's a hole I have dug by myself. At the expense of myself. All with a lack of love. Self love.

And so I'm on this journey - the destination - self love. As I said, I'm feeling a little wobbly. Bit teary. Not sure how to start or what it will involve. All I can see is the finish line. A beautiful woman on the horizon. She's standing tall and proud. She's fit and healthy. She knows she's beautiful inside and out and she has an immense well before her - full to the brim with love. Ready to be dipped into when required. Always replenished by acts of kindness to herself, for herself, so that the giving can continue.

I started today by dusting off a teacup and saucer set I bought over 3 years ago. I was about to leave work to become a mum and I envisaged myself drinking from this cup every day with my sandwich or a treat on the plate next to it. I have used it once in three years.

The tea set has been washed. The cup filled - a pot of warm tea waiting to replenish it when I want or need more. The plate washed clean. A new start. A treat sitting upon it - not to be eaten discreetly behind the pantry door, but to be enjoyed. Sitting quietly in the sun, unashamed. Filling myself with acts of kindness. One at a time. 999 to go.

And so it begins... x


leslie said...

hugs for you, lovely lady : )

Jo said...

sounds like a very worthwhile journey... especially as Mum's we need to look after ourselves so that we can give to our loved ones easily, I look forward to seeing the changes in you that only self love can bring.

two little buttons said...

what a beautifully written post, you write so beautifully with so much clarity you always write what i think and as i read your post i nod my head as if i am reading about myself.
just for the record, you are beautiful on the inside and the outside, although i have only known you for such a short time you are such a warm, kind caring loving person that gives so much. thank you for all you do, i value your friendship and i look forward to watching and sharing parts of your journey with you.

lilredsquirrel said...

Oh Julia. A beuatiful post from a beautiful, kind and generous woman. I know it is all too easy to make sure everyone else is ok while totally disregarding yourself.You only need to be half as generous to yourself as you are to others and that cup will be overflowing. I wish you every success on your journey. With love Nicola

em.s said...

that was such a good post. in fact, it hit home. I think I'm going to go out and get me my very own tea cup and saucer and plate set...set aside some time...and look after me. Thanks for the inspiration!