On a whim...Bloggers Without Makeup

I came across a post this morning. It spoke to me. Bloggers Without Makeup.

This concept speaks to me on many levels. I always keep in mind when reading blogs that the author is showing me a snippet of themselves. A snippet that they're happy for the known and unknown public to see. And that's fair enough. But keeping it in mind allows me to enjoy pictures of perfect family rooms, tended gardens, thriving vegie patches and dream holidays without feeling envious. I know these are the best parts of those things. Perhaps they look like that sometimes. Other times I'm sure they don't.

Bloggers Without Makeup also speaks to me because of the path I'm taking. I know that going without makeup is a daily occurrence for many people. It's not for me. Those that see me without makeup belong to a sacred circle of trusted people. I know that sounds dramatic, but for me to let down my guard enough to front up to your house fresh faced (and a little coy), then you can safely assume you're one of my inner circle. Not that its a posse I expect many aspire to - it's just symbolic of what it means to me.

So without too much thought...so that I don't talk myself out of it, I've decided to front up on my journey into self love and show my real self. Taken this morning in poor light. In my pajamas. May or may not have a bra on. Haven't touched my hair. Not a speck of make-up.

Welcome to my posse. x

A journey

I'm on a journey. It's one thats been a long time coming. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (Sun Tzu) and I have to say I'm feeling a little wobbly.

Someone mentioned to me last week that as a breastfeeding mother I am giving out alot of energy. Giving alot of myself. My nutrients, vitamins & minerals. Giving of my hydration, my time, my sleep. Giving all day - not the least of which includes the giving of my love. This person was stressing the need for me to take in extra nutrients to support my body during this stage of my life.

But it struck a chord in me on a much deeper level... I need to start taking in more so that I can meet the demands I place on myself to give to others.

So I've taken a mental look around myself. At my life. My family. My friends. Where am I being asked to give? How much does it ask of me? Are any of these things replenishing me?

And most areas measure up well. My family fills me with at least as much love, laughter and happiness as is required of me. More so in fact. My friends are havens for me to turn to when I need, they're the people I choose to share myself and my journey with.

And after looking around me, I glanced down.

There is a gaping hole before me. A hole dug over many years. Years of taking, ignoring, demanding, reprimanding. Years of giving to others without taking anything back to replenish me. All I see is years of digging. Taking. The hole is deep and completely dug out...there's not too much left to take. It's a hole I have dug by myself. At the expense of myself. All with a lack of love. Self love.

And so I'm on this journey - the destination - self love. As I said, I'm feeling a little wobbly. Bit teary. Not sure how to start or what it will involve. All I can see is the finish line. A beautiful woman on the horizon. She's standing tall and proud. She's fit and healthy. She knows she's beautiful inside and out and she has an immense well before her - full to the brim with love. Ready to be dipped into when required. Always replenished by acts of kindness to herself, for herself, so that the giving can continue.

I started today by dusting off a teacup and saucer set I bought over 3 years ago. I was about to leave work to become a mum and I envisaged myself drinking from this cup every day with my sandwich or a treat on the plate next to it. I have used it once in three years.

The tea set has been washed. The cup filled - a pot of warm tea waiting to replenish it when I want or need more. The plate washed clean. A new start. A treat sitting upon it - not to be eaten discreetly behind the pantry door, but to be enjoyed. Sitting quietly in the sun, unashamed. Filling myself with acts of kindness. One at a time. 999 to go.

And so it begins... x

FutureMe.org

You know how you start out on someone's blog - someone that's familiar to you? Then they point you in the direction of someone else, who lets you know about something you hadn't heard of before?

Well that happened to me. I found the FutureMe website. The idea is that you write an email in the present, to be received in the future. You can send it to yourself or someone else. I did it. To myself. To be received 1st January 2011. Here's hoping I won't be disappointed in myself when I read it. I allowed myself to hope. Please God don't let me be disappointed. x

Anyway. You can make your letter public, but anonymous. Below are some I found interesting/funny/thoughtful:

• Some wisdom


• This one to be received 26 years into the future. From a young man to his middle aged self


• Funny in a sad kind of way


• Very organised, no happy accidents in that household...


• Optimism


• There is some swearing in this one - so skip over it if you don't want to read it

It feels good to put something out there that is only between your Present and Future selves. Why don't you give it a go?

Oh and the pic? Thats my future self of course... ;)

Celebrating life

There are some of us who live our lives among the rest of you and seem to the naked eye to be as normal as the next person. In my case if you have a closer look, you'll see a scar. It's not there for all to see but it is ragged from a wound opening many times over the years. These days I'm happy to say it's getting silvery with age - the wound has not been torn open so much in recent years.

But the hurt has been deep. Penetrating. Breath-takingly deep.

Such is the hurt felt when you lose a loved one. In my case, my dad. 21 years ago today.

When I'm pregnant I think of him more frequently. Wonder what he would have been like as a grandfather. Would he like me as a parent? Would he melt into a thousand pieces in her presence like my mum does?

In 21 years you'd think I'd have let all the hurt go and just think of him fondly. Today I think I can say that I'm getting there. Real close. While driving a couple of weeks ago I thought of dad and then heard this clear, peaceful, strong voice in my head say "You need to let him go. It's ok that he's not here". I don't hear this voice often - but when I do I know it's not my thoughts. It's something so much more. And then something happened while driving through the Mooroolbark 5 ways round-a-bout. I gave in. I took a deep breath, shed a silent tear...and felt my body relax with relief.

Turns out I have been holding on so tightly to him that I never let myself feel his loss and move through it. In holding on I hadn't let go of the pain either...but I think it's time. He's not here and I'm ok. I have a beautiful life that needs every part of me present to enjoy it. It's time to let go and live in the moment, not the past, or in fear of the future and what loss may be ahead for me. There is so much to look forward to.

So today I choose to celebrate the life of one Peter Christensen. Thank you for being my loving, perfectionist, creative, compassionate, flawed, father. I am like you in so many ways and choose to carry your life, and not your death, with me from now on. Because your life is worth celebrating, and so is mine. x